"FALLING IN LOVE"?
Throw yourself into intimacy. Go ahead; take a leap on love :)
Perhaps that's why most of us, at least some of the time or most of the time, are frightened by another deeply primal experience which is:
INTIMACY. Allowing yourself to become emotionally close in the psyhological equivalent of skidding off a cliff, hence the expression "falling in love". This gauzzy phrase usually describes a sexual connection. But LOVE
has variations that can swallow the floor under your feet at any moment. You're securely installed in a relationship, marching through life. Then BOOM! You hear a song and you know that the composer has seen into your soul. Or you wake up, bleary with jet lag, in a city you've never seen before and feels like you've come home.
Me : * oh gosh....i was afraid of what i was reading and consuming and fathoming really...coz it made me tipsy...of what im experiencing......just grasping to whats happening...in relation to that....im actually loving every minute of this BOOM! thingy :) NEXT!!....
Suddenly, - Too late - you realise that your heart has opened like a trapdoor, and you are tumbling into deep, sweet abyss. This sensation you are feeling is probably associated with decreased activity in the brain region that senses our bodies location in the physical world. When this zone goes quiet, the boundary between "self" and "not self" dissapears. It isnt just that we feel close to our object of affection; perceiving ourselves as seperate isnt an option. It is now that "someone" matters to us as much as we maters to ourselves. Yet we have no control over either the love or the beloved.
Me : * Yes...just like the Olivia Newton John'n song suddenly...everything seemed to be topsy turvy and upside down and finding out how things does matters and definately "self" right now is taking a leave and become "not self" for a moment until that "someone" matters to us as much as we maters to ourselves becomes the beloved.
"WHAT SHOULD YOU DO AFTER FALLING IN?"
We focus attention on stories about people, from Othello and Huckleberry Finn to the lusty physicians on Grey's Anatomy, who trip into versions of intimacy (passion, friendship, parental protectiveness) they can neither escape nor manage. These stories each teach us why our ways of dealing with it are usually misguided. Two of these methods are so common, they're worth a warning here.
Me: *Oh...times like these...what would the warnings be and would it be making any huge impact? We shall see...ok get on with the Bad Ideas in love!
BAD IDEA #1 - GUARD YOUR HEART
There's an old folktale about a giant who removes his own heart, locks it in a series of metal boxes and buries the whole conglomeration. Thereafter, his enemies can stab or shoot him, but never fatally. Of course, he also loses the benefits of having a heart such as "happiness". The giant sits around grimly trying to enjoy the play, until he's so miserable one day he went on to dig up his heart and stabs it himself. This grisly parable reminds us that refusing to love is emotional suicide. Yet many of us fight like the giant to guard ourselves from intimacy, boxing up our hearts in steel-hard false beliefs.
"I'm unlovable" is such lockbox. "Everyone wants to exploit me" is another example. Then there's "I shouldn't feel that" and "I have to follow the rules", etc. Whatever your own heart-cofins may be, notice that they're ruining your happiness, not preserving it. As poet Mary Oliver puts it, "Listen, are you breathing, just a little, and calling it a life....For how long will you continue to listen to to those dark shouters, caution and prudence? Fall in! Fall in!
If you've buried your heart to keep it from hurting, actually it's hurting more from hurting.
Me: *oklah...maybe it was not burried just kept aside maybe? But I think its in the open now breathing hard and smelling them flowers out there so not so like Davey Jones from the pirates of the carribeans...MY heart is in tip top working condition and its enjoying outdoor life now :)
BAD IDEA #2 - CONTROL YOUR BELOVED
"If you don't love me, I'll kill myself. If you stop loving me, I'll kill you"
Some people believe such sentence or statements are expressions of true itimacy or love, when actually they're weapons of control. This destroys real connection faster than restraining order. Though few of us are this radically controlling, we are often use myriad forms of manipulation and coercion. To the extent that we try to make anyone do, feel, or think anything – whether our weapon is people-pleasing, sarcasm, or a machete – we trade intimacy for micro-terrorism. So, if neither control nor avoidance works, what does?
Me : *Reminded me of an old memory, well not so old actually which still haunts me every now and then for the fact that this "controlling" situation got out of hand and lead to a disclosure of the relationship. It is very disturbning with this kind of controlling but because each of us are an individual and always will be an individual. Even when we are married or living together or just together it doesnt mean that we have to lose our individuality because that's what made us fall for each other in the first place. So why change that and mold the other significant one to be someone else that's going to make him/her unhappy? So this is what I went through and I'm so very glad that it's over and I've moved on and much wiser in terms of knowing whats best for me now and happier too . In fact....now, I made it the first criteria for any relationship I'm having and that's the person have to respect me as an individual and never try to change me and just take me as I am. To me this is very important so it's a must for me.
GOOD IDEA #1 - BE WILLING
In the "Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Douglas Adams reveals the secret of flying. Just launch yourself towards the ground, and miss. "All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt...If you fail to miss the ground. Most people do fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying peoperly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard."
Avoidance and control can't keep our hearts from falling, or cushion the landing. Why not throwing yourself forward being willing not to mind that it's goin gto hurt? Please note: "being willing not to mind" isn't the same as genuinely not minding. You'll mind the risk of intimacy – count on it. Be willing anyway. How? Simply allow your feelings – all of them – into full conciousness. Articulate your emotions. Write about them in a journal, tell them to a friend, and confess them to your therapist. Feel the full extent of your love, your thirst, your passion, without holding back or grasping at anything or anyone (especially the object of your effection)
Me: *I think this really is a good idea indeed. Free falling to whatever comes what may is a feeling that's just out of this world and I can only imagine that it's going to be thrilling and devastatingly awesome... da di da di da ;)
GOOD IDEA#2 - GO "WOO-HOO"
When fear hits, when you want to grasp or hide, shout "woo-hoo!" instead. While there is never – not ever – a sure foundation beneath our feet, the willingness to celebrate what we really feel can turn falling into flying. [You don't need an airplane to practise woo-hoo skills]
Me: * Well...i guess I'm woo-hooi-ing myself right now to oblivion...hahaha...its a scarry feeling but wonderful at the same time...just like the feeling of zero-gravity ... the same feelings those beautiful clouds I saw on the plane was having I think and they are in cloud time every day of their life! How cool is that heheheh...so I guess the greatest love feeling champions of all are the clouds coz they are always on cloud 9 :)
"IN PREPARATION FOR LANDING"
Nevertheless, what people really panicking about nowadays isn't the falling actually, it's the landing. Yet, realise that there are only two possible landings for someone who embraces intimacy, and both are beautiful. The first possibility is that your beloved will love you back. Then you won't land; you just fall deeper into intimacy together. This is how bald eagles prepare to mate – by locking talons and free-falling like rocks – which is deeply insane. The other possibility is that you'll throw yourself forward and yell "Woo-Hoo!!", and smashed into rejection. Will it hurt? Indescribably YES! It'll hurt.
But if you still refuse to burry your broken heart, or force "someone" to "fix" it – if you just experience the crash landing in all its gory glory, you'll probably ended up creating a miracle :)
Me: * I know this part too well and its hard not to think back and not wanting to give it up but usually the crash landing is what got us through a lot of obstacles in life and made us more aware of what we want in life and in love. But no doubt crash landing has the opposite effects too but it's a miracle on its own when we believe we can survive another crash landing. So I did survive a few crash landings but to burry my heart like the Giant did is not my way to put out the pain. The pain felt is just to maximise the love feeling when we do feel loved and be in love when we finally found the object of our effection and that's when eagles soars and "we can move mountains" statements is suddenly very famous...hehehe..But its true...coz I know the feeling :) trust me...you will want to move mountains hahahaha
If you fall into intimacy without resistance, despite your alarm, either you will fall into love, which is exquisite, or love will fall into you which is more exquisite still. Do it enough and you may just lose your fear of falling. You'll get better at missing the ground, at keeping a crushed heart open so that love can find all the broken pieces. And the next time you feel that vertiginous sensation of the floor disapearing, even as your reflexes tells you to duck and grab, you'll hear and even deeper insticnt saying, "Fall in! Fall in!"
Me: * hmnn...With all the warning and alarms and all I still fall...so in other words...i'm in love! :) Happy falling everyone! And last but not the least Bonne chance!!